Area Man Forms Exploratory Committee into Getting Laid
3.3.10
FRESNO–Local software engineer Holden Bradley, 28, has instructed his closest aides and members of his inner circle to form an exploratory committee into getting him some action, sources confirmed Tuesday.
A friend close to Bradley, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told The Munion that it has been at least 5 years since he’s had any tang, though there has been no official confirmation of the last time Bradley got busy.
Bradley’s camp downplayed the move, which is par for the course with such announcements. A press release from his downtown apartment headquarters was nonchalant and slightly dismissive:
“Those of us close to Holden feel that it’s best for him to keep his options open. With spring coming up, we don’t want him to miss a golden opportunity to get some tail. Should that chance arise, the committee will take the necessary steps to ensure that he is prepared to smush.”
Regardless of the motivation behind the move, the announcement immediately stirred up discussion among locals about the last time Bradley tried to get laid.
“It was a mess,” local bartender Joe Allen recalls. ”He’d just watched that VH1 show, ‘The Pick Up Artist’, so he came in wearing a fur coat and some stupid mad-hatter hat, what a disaster. I want him to get some good-good, but I’d settle for him just not making an ass of himself.”
The Munion’s anonymous source claims that despite the relaxed face Holden’s staffers are putting forward, the campaign to get poon is already in full swing.
“He’s cut down his World of Warcraft time down to 8 hours a day, is showering regularly, and will invest up to $100 dollars in clothing that is not gaming or Harry Potter themed.”
